November 12th, 2015

Hey all!
So today was a rollercoaster of shit and amazingness. I don't know how to explain that better. Last night I ended up cutting again, and it felt really good. I took a shower, and then scrolled through instagram. Just a usual night. As I wrote yesterday, wednesday was a total fuck up in the department of weight loss. I was ecstatic when I woke up this morning and weighed myself. I am now 120.6 pounds. I lost 1.4 pounds that day. Which is absolutely amazing. If you're wondering why I'm at such a high weight (normal weight for normal people) it's because I am recently discharged from the hospital. They put me on a feeding tube, and so I gained back about 25 pounds, at a very rapid pace. It's disgusting. Anyways, I then bounced around the halls at school giggling and just being super elated. Not sure why. I'm not usually a morning person, but I was today. Maybe it was because I had physical therapy at 6am. I bounced all the way down the hallway-- when I say bounced, I mean bounced. I physically jump/skip/run/giggly thinged all the way across the school.-- with my friend and crush Emma. Yes, that awkward my best friend is my crush scenario. Well, she has a boyfriend. This morning her friends not so subtly got her to tell me she kissed her boyfriend. Needless to say I was upset, and I tried to leave the room. She stood in my way and tried to keep me from leaving. She knows I like her. No shit it hurt. So I shouldered past her. She grabbed my arm and tried to pull me back. She ended up stopping me because she's strong as fuck, but then I felt the searing pin and warm feeling. My eyes probably widened to the size of the moon before I took off sprinting down the hallway into the bathroom. She had pulled my arm back, and in the process tore the cuts open again. She couldn't have known, but I spent the rest of first block trying to figure out a way to change my shirt seeing as mine was covered in blood. I eventually just threw on my best guy friends hoodie from his locker.
I went to check out another high school today with a few other kids who were interested. It was the vocational school, not that I cared. They had a culinary program I was dying to check out. I like cooking, it makes me feel in control of my food. Like I have the power, not the other way around. I actually really liked it. I think I might transfer. I got to spend my day doing what I love, AND I got to ditch 4 of my classes to go visit.
Fast forward to when Emma said "let me explain it" and I ended up looking at her with anger, pain, and frustration. I told her "I don't want you to explain kissing your fucking boyfriend!" while throwing my hands up in the air and marching away. We havent talked since then, and its probably my fault. Not that I care. I'm still hurting. I don't think I can handle being around her right now. But we'll make up. We always do... I always "get over" the things between her and her boyfriend. But if I'm being honest, when we do fight, I bring it all back up. The wounds never healed, so when I cant hold it in anymore, I scream it all out.
One of the best parts of my day was when I got to talk to my girls. We're doing the thigh gap diet as a group ana family. I did really well today. Which made me happy. I have a feeling I'm going to cut again tonight. I take it back. I know I am. It just makes me feel better.
Anyways, today was long. I just have to hang on until tomorrow. I've got a diet game to win.
Love,
Faith